sleep | | Page 2

For the past three nights Anjali has been waking up at 2 A.M. Usually, she will wake up–but not fully awake–and Madhavi will nurse her back to sleep. Anjali sleeps in the bed with us as we are fans of the family bed. But this week is a developmental week according to The Wonder Weeks, a great book for deciphering babies’ developmental stages.

Developmental weeks usually mean sleep disruption, lots of nursing and a baby who needs extra attention and cuddling. It’s hard to get much work done when you have a baby that needs to be held or have your attention fully on her. But I can accept that, knowing it is a phase that will pass, and also knowing that I can put her in a carrier like the Ergo which keeps her close but keeps me hands free. So, extra attention and cuddling I can give.

I cannot nurse, however, and on days that Madhavi works Anjali wants to “make-up” nurse more at night. This can be hard on any mama, but especially one that worked all day and has to work the next day.

Enter papa. So, it’s 2 A.M. and I wake up to a baby who has flipped on her stomach, trying to crawl (all part of the developmental week), and Madhavi says so briefly, “Take her.” The message is clear, eh. Actually, the less talking, the less fully-awake; it’s easier to fall back to sleep that way.

I take Anjali in the other room and sing to her quietly and sway with her. She falls asleep. I put her in the crib and I bring a pillow and a sheet in her room to sleep by her and stay close. I start to dose. She wakes up. I repeat the singing and swaying briefly. She falls asleep again. I put her in the crib where she sleeps briefly, as do I. This repeats maybe one more time, ending in her waking up crying which is when I give up and bring her back in our room so she can nurse back to sleep.

Attachment parenting is not always easy. There are nights and periods like this, when we get less sleep and feel more run-down. But we stick with our ideals because we know it will pass. Good times are ahead, though we expect many other developmental phases.

We stick by our ideals because our baby needs and deserves our closeness and attention. She is still only 6 months old and the world is huge and still new and sometimes overwhelming.

We stick by our ideals because the alternatives–letting her cry it out for example–are just not right to us. Our instincts tell us that. So we use books like The Wonder Weeks as a map, but remind ourselves to listen to Anjali, and to let our intuition be the guide.

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Sleep: Grrrrr! Why getting Anjali to nap regularly is sometimes such a source of frustration for me I do not know. Well, maybe I do know. It is basically two-fold:

Babies need way more sleep than adults, but have much trouble soothing themselves to sleep. Babies about 6 months of age need somewhere between 11 and 15 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. In other words Anjali needs to sleep throughout the day to promote health and development, and just so she’ll simply be a happier baby.
I am constantly trying to balance my papahood with work/music. Nap time is a perfect time to get the things that I want or need done.

Of course, helping her to sleep is not always a source of frustration. Sometimes it is easy–five minutes of holding her in my arms, swaying and singing and she’s out. And her nap patterns are ever-changing. But there are plenty of times where I work for a good half hour to help her to sleep only to have her wake up as soon as I gently lay her on the bed or crib.

Some of you may be wondering why my wife and I don’t just lay her down and let her cry it out. This, of course, is the method of letting the baby cry and not picking them up even if the crying has gone on for several torturous minutes. Then the parent “checks in” with the baby to let them know they are nearby and that everything is okay. Of course, the baby cannot really understand this (have you heard of object permanence?), and thus are left to battle things out on their own, leaving them in a helpless and hopeless state. What I feel they are learning is insecurity and that their parents are deserting them. Yes, the baby will stop crying eventually, but at what emotional cost?

No, my wife and I did not bring our Anjali to ignore her. We are baby-led in so many ways, sleep being no exception. So, that means a lot of holding, cuddling, swaying, singing and shhh-ing. And I figure if she is crying, at least it is in my arms or with me present in the room.

Over time I have developed my own techniques for helping Anjali to sleep the first of which is to remember I am helping her to sleep, not putting her to sleep as we often say. This is difficult to remember and is a matter of keeping perspective. Of course she needs sleep, but it is important in the moment to remember that if she does not fall asleep it is not the end of the world. She may be fussy, but another nap will come around.

So, with that mental step in mind, the first physical step I take is to take and create cues that it is nap time. Taking cues is simply seeing that she is tired as demonstrated by general fussiness, crying, eye-rubbing, ear-rubbing and noting she is at the end of a 90-minute wake cycle (more on that in a minute). Creating cues involves regularly presenting her with signals that she is soon to go to sleep. The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways To Help Your Baby Sleep Through The Night is a helpful book that illustrates some of these cues. This can include things like saying certain phrases such as, “sleepy time,” “bed time,” and so on. Sleep cues could a certain song you sing or certain music you put on (ours is currently a few NRBQ songs and Paul Simon’s Rhythm of the Saints. In fact, once asleep she continues to sleep with the music playing), or a particular activity like reading a book (ours right now is Five Silly Monkeys).

Second, I hold her and sway or even dance while singing or listening to music. Baby’s like the movement, and I figure it’s giving her some more sense of rhythm. Or sometimes I will sit on a yoga ball and lightly bounce. Warning: this can get a bit exhausting when she’s taking a half hour to fall asleep. I look at it as good aerobic exercise, but I have to pace myself in case of a long nap time routine, and I just want to keep it gentle. As I see her eyes closing I’ll diminish my movement. My theory is that if I go from moving a lot to putting her down in the bed it may be jarring.

I gently lay her down in the bed, one hand under her head and the other under her bottom, sometimes with a gentle, “Shhhhh,” until I think she is staying asleep. I slip my hand out from under her bottom. With that free hand I lay a light blanket on her and then put that hand slightly under her head to gently I slip my other hand out. Then I free both hands. The whole thing for me is about easing her down. Sometimes, no matter how slowly I try to put her down in the bed or crib she wakes up immediately upon touch-down. That’s where a “Grrrr” moment can occur because I have to start over again. Sometimes it takes three attempts to finally have her stay asleep on the bed or crib. Other times I just cannot put her down and either end up with an awake baby or a baby in my arms, at which point I remain baby-led and no work for papa! Sometimes I can sit at the computer and type one-handed, or I can read. Other times I’ll take the opportunity to sit in our glider and take a short nap.

If she wakes I have learned to pick her up and attempt to gently rock her back to sleep. Often this works if it is in the early or middle part of a nap. If so, work time for papa! Other times she is sleeping restlessly or taking a while to get into deep sleep, so I have to sit in the room with her and “shhhh” when she stirs. If I do this long enough eventually she reaches deeper sleep and can continue without me in the room. Sometimes this sucks because it limits my freedom to do other than quiet activities in the room. But babies can sense our presence, so I am happy to know I am giving her that comfort by remaining there.

There are also Ergo carrier naps. She usually falls asleep easier and stays asleep longer in a wrap or carrier. I mean, come on, if you were all snuggled in like that wouldn’t you? The carrier is both limiting and liberating as far as naps. It is limiting because I often cannot do things like practice the drums or piano (without headphones). My music recording abilities become limited. I tried once to record singing while she was sleep. She woke up immediately. Yet, if I clunk around in the kitchen she often won’t wake up. The carrier is liberating because I am free to go out and walk if I want or need to. I cannot leave, obviously, if she is asleep in the bed. I can also continue to do other physical things like laundry, dishes,

Finally, a list of some things to keep in mind for sleep/naps:

Try to remain relaxed and calm. Anjali senses when I am stressed or frustrated. I need to be soft, comforting, soothing and loving.
Don’t get tunnel vision. When I am thinking, “If she falls asleep quickly I can finally do this or that,” I usually end up frustrated because she is taking so long to fall asleep or is not falling asleep at all. Refer again back to 1.
Be aware of the baby’s wake cycle. Generally they follow a 90-minute cycle. As they get older it may shift to three hours or four and a half hours. My wife and I found The 90-Minute Sleep Program by Polly Moore, PH.D., a helpful window into babies wake patterns. There are times when I am amazed at how spot-on Anjali is to a 90-minute wake cycle. But I have to be careful not to get tunnel-vision and work to help her to sleep just because she is nearing 90 minutes of wake time. That leaves her upset and me frustrated. Not good.
Know and watch cues. After following the 90-minute sleep program perhaps too stringently (I get tunnel vision fairly easily), my wife reminded me that Anjali’s communication skills are really good. So now I listen and watch most strongly to Anjali’s cues that she is tired and wants help to go to sleep.
Know when to give up. Sometimes, even if I know Anjali is tired, she just cannot get to sleep. I have learned the hard way that if I try and try and try sometimes it just leaves both of us miserable (that tunnel vision again). In fact that is how I thought of posting this information today. Often if I just change gears she will eventually cue me again and I can try again to help her to sleep. That is what I did today. I put her on the bed with a few books. She played with them (put them in her mouth!), rolled over and tried her crawling (not quite there yet!) and then started fussing. That was my cue and now she’s still sleeping as I type this.
Know when to hang in there. There are other times when it doesn’t seem like Anjali is going to fall asleep. But if I just keep swaying for five more minutes she will be asleep. This is one reason why my wife does not like to help Anjali to sleep this way. My wife gets tired and feels like Anjali is just not going to sleep. She give up; I take over and Anjali is asleep shortly thereafter.
Be Flexible and Be Ready At Any Time To Change Your Routine. For a while I felt Anjali liked to have music to help her sleep. Then it became too stimulating for her. And then came the day that I discovered how much she likes a song called “Just Ain’t Fair,” by NRBQ. That song, for some reason, relaxes her. And by the time she is asleep she can often make it through the whole Rhythm Of The Saints CD by Paul Simon. And that has become our routine. But sometimes she prefers silence. Sometimes she likes me bouncing lightly on the ball more than dancing. Sometimes I can sense she would rather be in the Ergo and I just start there.
Every baby is different. It is obvious, but often overlooked. Every baby will have different patterns, behaviors and characteristics. It is so easy to get caught up in this or that book’s advice, or blogs (mine even!), and forget to listen to children and ourselves. Intuitive parenting is fast becoming lost in my opinion. Parenting books are guides. Use them and then let go and listen to your own intuition.

I always try to keep in mind that I chose to become a parent. For me to be anything other than baby-led would be in an injustice as far as I am concerned. Sure, there is never enough time to get the work done that I need to. Conversely there’s never enough time to devote to our children, and you can never get time back. It’s about finding balance.

I would love to hear your comments, stories and techniques for napping.

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