Category Archives: sleep

I have been dreading nap time for the past couple of days.  Clearly, Anjali is tired.  But when I lay her in her little bed, she pops up, smiling and wanting to play, especially with her books (she loves her books as of late and wakes up immediately reaching for them).  It’s frustrating because when she’s in my arms she’s mellow–closing and rubbing her eyes and generally giving me the sense that she is tired.

I have been using a nap routine for 3 weeks to a month that has been working great.  I don’t think my routine used to be consistent enough, but I have made it pretty consistent over the last month or so.  I found this to be key in cuing her that it is naptime, and it has allowed me to help her to sleep in her bed, rather than in my arms.  I find this cue to be really important.  I am also still finding the 90-minute wake cycle to still be on point much of the time, though it’s best to listen and watch for her cues that she’s tired, not the clock.

But in the last couple days, perhaps as a result of all sorts of growth and changes (including top teeth ready to descend), Anjali is not falling asleep smoothly, or not wanting to fall asleep at all.  It has been trying my patience.  Or perhaps it’s because I am impatient that she is having trouble falling asleep.

Oh, papa.

I get tunnel-visioned into thinking she has to take a nap.  Then I get frustrated when she simply isn’t really ready to.  So, my frustration stems from me, not her!

So, one piece of advice I have is this: remain patient and calm.  Your baby intuitively picks up your mood and state of mind.  If I am impatient, Anjali senses this and she gets antsy.  If I am calm or even closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep myself, she reflects this and falls asleep quietly and peacefully.

A final piece of advice:  “All things must pass.”  If I remind myself that this may only last 3 days to a week, I can remain patient.  In fact, remembering that those tough times will pass may actually make the tough times pass quicker.

I need to remember to simply follow her in those times.  She needs my help.  Not the other way around…Not yet anyway.

Several months ago I noticed signs that Anjali may be able to self-sooth herself to sleep. Mainly, I saw that when she was really sleepy she would suck on her hand, fingers or thumb as I held her in my arms and swayed her to sleep. Of course, that was in the phase when her hands were often in her mouth even when not tired. Still, I saw it as a sign in the days when I feel like I was dancing and swaying with her for about 50% of my days (good exercise though!).

Recently, I began to let Anjali cry and emote before a nap, in order to let off some steam. In my Crying It Out In Arms, Part 1, 2 and 3 posts, I talked about how I was learning and feeling like it was okay to let her cry, so long as she was either in my arms or close to me on the bed.

In a short time the crying has become less and less. There have been some naps with no crying at all. Sometimes, she’ll lay next to me and cry briefly, stop for a bit, and then put her hands in her mouth and sort of moan herself to sleep. Sometimes she falls asleep quietly and softly. Sometimes I sing to her; sometimes I just soothingly say the words “sleepy time” to her; sometimes we have different music to listen to.

Most importantly, if the crying goes on for about 10 minutes, or it becomes really agitated, I pick her up and help her to sleep. I do not abandon her to cry on her own or let her feel helpless even as I lay next to her. This is par for the course for attachment parenting.

Slowly but surely Anjali is learning to fall asleep on her own.

In parts 1 and 2 I started exploring the idea of letting Anjali emote and cry in my arms or in contact with me, before a nap. As attachment parenting advocates, Madhavi and I are very focused on fostering a relationship of trust with our daughter. Although we want Anjali to be able to fall asleep independently, our attitude is that she will be able to do this in time, with some gentle persuasion. We don’t want to leave her alone to cry or be distressed.

Today I tried what I did yesterday. When I knew Anjali’s wake cycle (based on a 90 minute cycle) was coming to an end I brought her up to our family bed, put on some sleepytime music and read a few books to her. She also crawled around and played a bit before showing signs of really being tired (rubbing eyes, crying a bit, etc). I let her cry in my arms for a minute and then gently laid her down next to me on the bed, again with one arm under her and one free to pat her belly. Then I started singing her sleepytime song. She cried about 8 minutes, just like yesterday. What was different today is that she did not fall asleep right after she stopped crying. Instead, for about 5 minutes, she looked around with glazed eyes, occasionally turning her head or moving her arms. I continued to sing to her and think and feel soothing thoughts. After about 5 minutes her eyes closed.

Perhaps over time I will be able to lay her down with less and less crying, until it takes no crying before her naps. We’ll see…

In part one of my Crying It Out In Arms post, I talked about how I am exploring letting Anjali emote and cry in my arms just before a nap or bedtime. Although I was apprehensive at fist, I found that it seemed like a natural progression for her to let out built up emotion, energy and stimulation that accumulated throughout the day. This doesn’t happen every time I help her to sleep, but when it does she cries for 5-10 minutes in my arms, or on the bed next to me. When I feel she is done I pick her up and rock her to sleep either singing or putting on her nap time music. Though I am letting her cry I am not leaving her alone, and I don’t let the crying last more than 10 minutes (which at times even feels too long). This has been helpful, as I find that once she emotes she has a nice, long and restful nap.

Today, I tried a little something different. I laid with her in the bed, put one arm under her and one free to pat her. I let her cry right next to me, and after a few minutes I started to sing a sleepy time song I wrote for her. After about 8 minutes of full out crying she stopped and within about 30 seconds her eyes closed and she was asleep. I continued to sing for a few more minutes, and she was fully out.

Could this be a beginning to her self-soothing?

Again, it felt right because I was right there with her, in contact with her and she could hear my voice. Also, I think it is interesting to note that her eyes are generally closed when she is sleepy and crying before a nap or bedtime. This tells me she is indeed tired and not distressed for some other reason. I also know that she was well fed prior to the naptime, and she had already pottied.

We will see how this progresses.

Read Crying It Out In Arms, Part 3