Category Archives: development

Toddler Pattern Development

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

MEET anjali’s new friends, ABBY AND EMMA…

Do you notice something interesting about these two?  Or really, Abby, the one on the right?

She never changes her clothes.  Blue jeans and brown jacket, always.  Anjali won’t allow another outfit.   That’s “my Abby,” as she calls her.  Abby even finds her way into the bed.

Meanwhile, Emma can go through frequent wardrobe changes throughout the day.  Usually Anjali hands her over to Madhavi or I, saying, “Here ya go.”  She let’s us change Emma’s clothes, but won’t let us do much of anything with Abby.

This is a time when Anjali is developing an understanding of “mine,” and “me.”  She’s learning how to control her world–or that she can control her world–most often expressing herself verbally.  She is developing a keen awareness of patterns and groupings.

This lining-up-the-blocks photo below is a perfect example.

Here too, she is very protective of her organizations and creations.  If I try to add anything on she barks an emotional “Noooo!  Stop.  Stop papa, stop!”

As with Abby and Emma, Anjali has reign over the blue blocks, while mama and me are relegated to the rest.  We can do what we want with those.

Anjali is also recognizing many of the letters.  What I think is even cooler is she carefully points to and counts the blocks in her “big block tower,” as she calls them.  She surprised me when she counted to 14 fairly accurately.

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How To Teach Your Kid How To Read

Posted on December 9, 2011 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

That’s a trick title.

At least, I’m discovering (read: HAVING MY MIND BLOWN!) that given the right trust and “tools,” our kids can learn to read on their own, or likely with far fewer than 30 hours of “help” from us.

The guy that’s blowing my mind

John Holt is a writer, educator, lecturer and amateur musician who wrote 10 insightful (to me, ground-breaking) books about children and early learning.

In Holt’s view, learning is not the result of teaching, but rather a constant and universal human activity.

The part that’s blowing my mind right now

Okay, so here is something I just read that has me on one hand like, ‘This is so amazingly refreshing and new to me,’ and on the other hand like, ‘This completely rings true to me to my core.’

Holt makes the analogy, in his book Learning All The Time, that learning to read is, like learning to speak, and “extraordinary intellectual feat we all accomplish before the adults got it into their heads that they could “teach” us.

Parents don’t teach kids to read anymore than parents teach kids to speak.

We don’t teach our children how to speak.  They learn by constant exposure.

I notice this time and time again with Anjali.  She is constantly saying things I never “taught” her.  They are rather things she picks up that Madhavi or I say in everyday conversation.  In fact, many times she is less interested in the things I try to teach.

Holt agrees.  He says,

Children get ready to speak by hearing speech all around them.  The important thing about that speech is that the adults, for the most part, are not talking in order to give children a model.  They are talking to each other because they have things to say.

So the first thing the baby intuits, figures out, about the speech of adults, is that it is serious…well worth doing.

SO TRUE!  This is not only true with speech, but just about everything!   Anjali wants the real tools more than her toy ones.  She want the Mamas lotion more than her own.  She wants to eat off of our big plates rather than her own.  She wants to drink out of a glass more than her sippy cup.

what children need to get ready for reading

So how do we (how does Holt) apply this to reading?

Simple.

Children need exposure to a lot of PRINT.  Not pictures, but print.

(okay, I too am freaking out a little (again!) as I type that because we have been surrounding Anjali with lots of both pictures and print.  But let’s not beat ourselves up.  At 22 months I am not pushing or expecting her to start reading now.  But this is definitely food for thought)

Holt says that children need to “bathe their eyes in print, as when smaller they bathe their ears in talk.”  As they see print more and more, these meaningless shapes, lines and squiggles take form.  They become recognizable (like when Anjali recognizes the letter “O” or “I”!).

After a while, and without really knowing what letters or words are, they begin to see some patterns–that this letter appears here, and that bunch of letters shows up there.   When they have learned to really see letters and words, then they can start asking questions about what they say and what they mean.  But not before.

reading tools for our kids

Holt suggests (and I am apt to agree) that our children are visually exposed, in school and out, in the pre-reading years and after, all kinds of written stuff from the adult world.  He suggests, for example, that a great “reading readiness material” is a large print version of the New York Times.  The print is large enough, and the paper is attractive because it is part of the “adult world.”

Other reading materials to have handy from the “adult world” are maps, ticket stubs, copies of bank statements, instruction manuals, pamphlets, flyers, old phone books, etc.

Perhaps we shouldn’t be showing only videos or photos on our computers and I-Pads.  We should be letting our children see e-zines, emails, e-newsletters and blogs.

finally…

I must say this sounds good to me.  A hands off approach.

But don’t get me wrong.  I am all to eager to watch Anjali grow and learn and explore and wonder.  Holt’s Book(and I think I’ll have to get my hands on more of his books) rings true to me, especially since we greatly consider homeschooling…

Or perhaps it’s unschooling.

What I loved about John Holt right away, was that on page 2 he talks about trust, security and comfort being at the foundation of a child’s learning.  If there is anything Madhavi and I have been foster in Anjali from the beginning, it is trust, security and unconditional love.

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Parent Directed Vs. Child Led Discovery

Posted on October 12, 2011 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

I am constantly at odds with myself about my approach toward various daily activities Anjali does, or activities I do with her.  I go back and forth between being a “teacher” or being a “facilitator.”

In theory, Madhavi and I both lean toward being facilitators rather than teachers.  We want Anjali to discover things for herself, with us acting more as guides and  providing a safe environment for her to do so.

I think a great environment for children to learn in is one in which parents provide a safe environment and then step out of the way, even if we have to watch our children make a mess, fall or do things “wrong” a handful of times.

It can be a challenge to get out of the way and let Anjali do what she wants to do to discover things for herself.  It is hard in a world wrought with rules, where we know the “proper” way to do things, to let go and let her explore possibilities.  It can be irritating to watch Anjali make a complete mess that I have to clean up.

It is fascinating watching Anjali stand on a step stool at the kitchen sink and learn to manipulate water, or learn cause and effect (If I pour this here, it fills up there, etc.).  It is also tough to stand back and let her spill the water all over the floor.

It can be frustrating when Anjali wants to wear her jacket when it’s 85 degrees and humid outside.  But I figure she will realize she is hot and sweaty as a result, and learn the cause and effect of her action.  And she will learn more directly that way, rather than me explaining the consequence.

I think Anjali learned to handle a glass of water early on because we were willing to nervously let her try.  We just made sure to provide a glass that was durable.

Sometimes, of course, it is hard to let go.  It is hard to step out of our parent directed teaching to let our children learn by their own discovery.

Here is an example…

Dinner Time

Here is a typical dinner as of late.

Madhavi and I are sitting at the table, or sometimes on a blanket on the floor, eating dinner.  Anjali seems relatively uninterested in eating.  We have long since stopped putting her in a high-chair.  She usually stands on a chair at the table instead.  She starts at one chair and quickly makes her rounds to Madhavi’s lap, then another chair and then my lap.  Occasionally she picks at her plate or our plates, or allows us to offer her a morsel of food.

I am beginning to wonder if our vaguely designated time for dinner is an imposition on Anjali’s disinterest in scheduled, or even semi-scheduled, events.

Should Anjali be expected to eat just because we have decided it is dinner time?

In theory, we believe she should not be.  We figure she eats when she is hungry.  It’s fine if she doesn’t want to eat now.

Again, that’s the theory.  The problem is that if she doesn’t eat now, or right after her bath, before bed (which I call “second dinner,” and is a typical occurrence), then she goes to bed hungry.  Who suffers then?  Both Madhavi and Anjali.  Anjali ends up hungry in the night, so she wakes more.  And guess what?  She nurses much more, keeping Madhavi from sleeping well too.

Take two

Some nights we keep telling Anjali she has to eat.  I am not sure she understands the consequences yet.  But there are nights when we do the very thing I hate doing–the thing I have seen other parents do that I don’t really want to do: we end up pushing the food on her, or saying things like, “you need to eat.”

I don’t think meals should be forced on children.  I just don’t want Madhavi to lose sleep because we have a constantly nursing toddler in the night.  Can you see the dilemma?  This is one we are back and forth on.

As She Grows She Knows

I tell myself to trust that, within reason, Anjali knows what she needs.  She knows if she is hungry.  She knows if she is hot or cold.  She knows if she is tired…Most of the time.  There are plenty of times she is tired but doesn’t want to go to sleep.  There are times when we know she’s hot, and she’s obviously uncomfortable, but she doesn’t realize all she has to do is take her jacket off.  There are also times when she may be uncomfortably hungry, but turns to nursing because it is comforting and nourishing.

What I have faith in is that Anjali will figure it out in time.  As she sees her actions have certain results, Anjali takes note eventually.  As she is better able to communicate verbally, the better we can directly understand what she wants and needs.

Rather than create rules, stick to schedules or deal out time-outs (or whatever the common toddler-punishment is these days), I would rather give Anjali an encouraging and safe environment where she can discover on her own, even if it means I have to work a little harder or alternatively step aside altogether.

Seeing her achieve on her own, even with a few bumps and bruises, is totally worth it.  And she seems to give back love over and over again in so many ways.

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Praise Vs. Encouragement

Posted on May 21, 2011 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

I have been reading a lot about issues around praising children.  Specifically, Madhavi and I have taken the approach that over-praising is detrimental to a young child’s self-esteem.  We strongly believe that healthy and positive self-esteem, along with good physical health, is one of the most important attributes we can help instill in our children.  We want Anjali to draw motivation from inside, rather than rely on external praise.  We want her confidence to be based on intrinsic achievement, rather than achievement solely based on external cues, such as grades, awards or praise.

Please don’t get me wrong.  We are not some cold-hearted, un-loving parents who are withholding praise to teach our baby to be stronger.  Quite the opposite.  We show her tons of love, affection and encouragement.

I found this great article that really struck a chord with me.  It sums up the praise vs. encouragement discussion.  To sum up:

  • “Praise motivates children to do things for extrinsic reasons (to please others) and not for intrinsic reasons (to please themselves or because the task is inherently worth doing)”
  • “positive reinforcement in the form of encouragement “is more important than any other aspect of child raising” (Dreikurs, 1964, p. 36), according to its supporters. It is not judgmental, but places the emphasis on behavior and process rather than person and product.”

Those quotes are from Which Is Better: Praise Or Encouragement, by B. Kaiser and J.S. Rasminsky.

So What Do You Say?

From the research I have done, here is a list I have compiled of approaches I would take:

  • Avoid labels!  Don’t say, “You’re so smart,” or “You are going to be a dancer.”  Instead, say, “You really read that well,” and, “You are really having fun dancing, aren’t you?”  Try to praise or encourage the action.
  • Related to avoiding labels, it’s better to encourage that an achievement is based on an action the child did, rather than on some innate ability.  In other words, rather than saying, “You’re so smart,” because of receiving a good grade on a test, it’s better to say, “You did really well on that test,” or, “You’re studying really helped you do so well on that test.”
  • Be specific with praise.  Cite a specific thing the child did, rather than a generality.  For example, say “You really played that blues song nicely,” instead of, “Good playing.”
  • Be sincere.  Kids recognize empty praise, probably much earlier than you think.  They can tell when you mean it.
  • Help your child appreciate results based on their own feelings and personal achievement, rather than on opinions of others.  In other words, encourage them to recognize their own achievement, rather than telling them how you feel.  Instead of, “I’m so proud of you,” maybe, “You must be proud of…”  It  may be better still to leave it open and not say anything, since pointing out that they “must be proud” is still an imposition of your own thoughts.  Perhaps it’s better to let your child discover her feelings on her own.  You just provide the warm, loving environment.
  • Avoid comparing your children to others.  Sure, everyone has different abilities.  But comparisons will only encourage your child to base achievements on how he or she stacks up to others, rather than on personal standards.

I tell you, it’s not easy.  It’s hard to avoid saying, “Good job,” all the time.  It sometimes feels like a gray area between encouragement and praise.  It’s a work in progress…

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Free Sign Language Resources For Your Baby

Posted on April 18, 2011 by Jeremy| 2 Comments

I don’t know if I mentioned before that we have been signing with Anjali from pretty early on–I think as early as 3 or 4 months.  Sign language is a great way to communicate with your baby, as they can usually sign well before they can talk.  Babies can certainly understand signs, even before they can do them.  I’m not sure, but I think baby sign language is becoming more and more popular.

A lot of people I talk to use a few basic signs, like “more,” “all finished” and “milk.”  We have certainly used those, and Anjali is using them often now, at 14 months.  She definitely started understanding them as early as 7 or 8 months.  Recently, someone asked if she was deaf, when they noticed she was signing to us.

Signing has been especially helpful with elimination communication (EC).  That was one of the earliest signs we used with her.  She understood that one well before she used it.  But now she regularly signs for the potty, which is the coolest thing!  Sometimes she signs when she has just peed in her diaper.  Still, it’s pretty awesome that she is communicating that.

The signs she now regularly uses (at least the ones I can think of now): potty, all finished, more, friends, hurt, dog, cat, smile, tired, sleep, music, hat, fan, light, bath, book, baby, milk, food and car/drive.

There are plenty of free resources for learning sign language online.  Here are a few I like:

There are also plenty of great books, like The Baby Signing Book, Teach Your Baby to Sign and SIGN with your BABY (this one includes a DVD).

We read that we should pick around 8 signs at first, and wait until Anjali learned that cluster before we started teaching her more.  It didn’t really work so cut-and-dry for us.  She understood and used some, but others didn’t really click.  So, we just moved on and used whatever signs were pertinent.  Since we have a cat, it only made sense to use that one a lot.  Interestingly, that was one of the early signs we taught her, but today is the first day I saw her explicitly sign “cat.”  Super cute too!

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Waking Up With New Skills

Posted on April 14, 2011 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

Did you ever notice that there are days that your baby wakes up, and they seem to have grown an inch, or that they literally pop out of the bed with some new skill?

I know there have been so many times when we have woken up and Madhavi said to Anjali, “You are a bigger baby today!”  There was a phase when Anjali would wake up from a nap, immediately stand up and reach for a book that we had been reading just before the nap…A sort of continued thought.

There is reason to believe that babies’ sleep patterns have a lot to do with developmental benefits.  Sleep researchers believe that a baby’s light sleep–REM sleep–is when learning occurs.

It is known that blood flow to the brain is much higher during REM sleep–even double.  Is it possible that learning is actually occurring during these phases of sleep?

In a baby’s first two years, their brains grow to nearly 70% of the volume of adult brains.  That’s significant.  It seems like the fastest times of growth, the newborn phases, are when babies are sleeping the most.  I remember those early days when Anjali was sleeping up to 18 hours of the day.

So, it seems that the period of life when humans have the most active, or REM, sleep, is the time when the most brain development happens.  It’s not just my imagination that Anjali seems to be learning in her sleep.

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When Do I Teach A Toddler Rules?

Posted on April 13, 2011 by Jeremy| 2 Comments

“Anjali, don’t keep opening that drawer and taking out all of the diapers.”
Anjali looks at me knowingly while opening the drawer.

“Anjali, you can use the spoon to scoop out your green juice [green smoothie] if you don’t fling the spoon around.”
Anjali scoops out some green juice and waves it until a bunch of it spills on the rug.

“We’re not going up the steps right now sweetie. You can only go up the steps with mama or papa, or another adult.”
Anjali continues up the steps, looking back at me.

Of course, when it’s an issue of safety, one of us has to step in. We’re not going to let her climb the steps without supervision at this point.  That’s why we have gates. But when visiting Anjali’s cousins recently, we had to keep telling her not to go up, redirecting her to something else, or grabbing her when she started going up.

I wonder how firm the boundaries we set should be at this point. What kind of rules am I supposed to set?

Around 64 weeks (Anjali is around 61 right now), The Wonder Weeks suggests that toddlers are looking for boundaries.  The book says,

“Your toddler is not a baby anymore. Now the time has come to set boundaries. Your toddler is up to it and you can also demand more of him. Indeed, he is looking for boundaries. If he enters the world of ‘principles’, he longs for rules. He varies endlessly to know that. Just as he is hungry and has the right to eat every day, so he has the right to rules. And most of the rules he can only discover when you handed them to him, especially if it concerns social rules. You must make it clear what is appropriate and what not appropriate. By setting rules you not doing him any violence. On the contrary, you are obliged to him. And who can teach him better than someone who loves him?”

Maybe that’s why Anjali looks to us when she’s doing something we don’t want her to do.  She sees the boundary and wants to test it.

On the other hand, I can’t help but think she’s still so little, and she’s just exploring her world.  So, I should let her make a mess on the floor.  I should let her open and close drawers and take stuff out.  I should oblige her, when I can, by going up the steps when she wants to.

I’m just trying to find the balance between setting boundaries and letting her explore.  There is certainly no disciplinary action I can take at this point, nor do I want to lay the foundation for some parent-child opposition.  If she’s going up the steps and I have asked her several times not too, but she continues, I pick her up and tell her why she cannot do that right now.  Sometimes she’s fine with this, especially if I redirect her attention to something else.  Sometimes she cries.  I try not to make a big deal of it.  I explain why she can’t use the steps at that moment, and move on.

I think that both of her responses–crying or being fine–exhibit that she understands.

Maybe that’s the goal: to let them explore and have fun, to set boundaries around that exploration and fun, and to have faith that she’s picking up on what’s okay or not okay as we go.

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So What If Your Baby Can’t Walk Yet. What’s The Rush?

Posted on February 4, 2011 by Jeremy| 1 Comment

The other day, an acquaintance of mine expressed a little concern that his 16 month old baby isn’t walking yet.  Perhaps something he and/or his wife are doing or providing their little girl with is holding her back, like overusing a walker, which some studies show can delay the proper use of leg muscles.  Or perhaps, there is no delay at all.  Their daughter will walk when she is ready, and eventually, the worry over when she will walk will be a blip in the memory machine.

Anjali will be one year old in just a few days.  The other day, as I was holding her in my arms, soothing her sleepy little body, I reflected on how much she has grown, and how quickly all of the stages of development come and go.  There were several along the way that Madhavi and I took the time to appreciate and remember.  Here are just a few of the many:

  • Her pigeon coos when she was only a few weeks old.
  • Her rigid, but super-cute arm movements, and the startle-response around the same time.
  • Her little waggly but when she would crawl.
  • Her little snort-snuff, scrunched-up-nose-face she would make.

I find many people, myself included sometimes, eagerly waiting for certain new developments–walking, sleeping on their own, drinking from a cup on their own, talking, etc–rather than simply enjoying each precious moment, especially the ones that will come and go.

As I stood there, rocking gently, singing to Anjali, I really tried to feel this warm, little, lovable creature holding on to me.  I took in the position of her head, where her hands were holding me, the sweet baby scent and her soft breathing.  I thought of a time in the future when she won’t want or need to be in my arms, or will be too big to be there.  Hopefully, when that time comes, I can look back and remember that I did cherish these kinds of moments, even if I also wished for a time when I could simply tell Anjali, “It’s nap time,” and she would climb into her bed and go to sleep by herself.

But what’s the rush?  Like I said, my friend’s daughter will walk in her own time.  Anjali will self-soothe in her own time.  Everyone tells me, “They grow up before you know it.”  So, I plan, at least, on pausing from time to time to really enjoy who Anjali is in the moment, rather than thinking too much of what will come.

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Wonder Week…And Teeth

Posted on January 7, 2011 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

Anjali can't wait to get in the Ergo carrier

We recently hit developmental week 46, at least according to The Wonder Weeks, an insightful book about babies’ developmental leaps. I’m not easily sold on what every baby book has to say, but I will say that Anjali has shown many of the signs they talk about in The Wonder Weeks, pretty much dead on with the timing they mention.

This week is tough, especially while Madhavi is back at work, and especially because her second tooth is coming in.  The past two nights have been rough (Random Tea Room chai has my name all over it!).

There are several times throughout the day that Anjali says, “Memmem,” (aka Mama). It’s kind of cute, like she’s just saying, “You know Memmem? She’s really awesome. She’s the center of my world. I love her. I wish she were here right now.”

So here’s how Papa deals with a wonder week:

  • Use the Ergo Carrier
    a lot!  She’s always so excited to get in it.
  • Make no attempts to do any sort of computer stuff or work unless she’s asleep.
  • Let her cling to me and give her lots of hugs.  Today I was trying inspect something on the washing machine.  But she wouldn’t let me.  She just wanted to sit on my lap.  I enjoyed it, and thought to a time when she would be older and uninterested in that.
  • Let her not eat if she doesn’t want to eat.
  • Give her at least one nap in the carrier.
  • Do fun stuff, like putting on music and dancing.

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Are Walking Babies Harder To Keep Up With?

Posted on December 24, 2010 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

Anjali is now officially walking (yay!).  I think this is so fun.  Of course, she’s still a bit shaky, and she’s still crawling a lot too.  But I am excited for this new development.

A lot of parents have said, “Wait till she’s walking.  She’s going to be a lot harder to keep up with and deal with.”  I think that since Anjali just started walking, perhaps it’s hard for me to tell.  But I feel like it’ll make things easier.  I figure it brings more independence, which I think most parents certainly welcome.

Anyway, who can resist that cute, little, drunken-cowboy-lookin, wobbly walk?

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