Category Archives: attachment parenting

So What If Your Baby Can’t Walk Yet. What’s The Rush?

Posted on February 4, 2011 by Jeremy| 1 Comment

The other day, an acquaintance of mine expressed a little concern that his 16 month old baby isn’t walking yet.  Perhaps something he and/or his wife are doing or providing their little girl with is holding her back, like overusing a walker, which some studies show can delay the proper use of leg muscles.  Or perhaps, there is no delay at all.  Their daughter will walk when she is ready, and eventually, the worry over when she will walk will be a blip in the memory machine.

Anjali will be one year old in just a few days.  The other day, as I was holding her in my arms, soothing her sleepy little body, I reflected on how much she has grown, and how quickly all of the stages of development come and go.  There were several along the way that Madhavi and I took the time to appreciate and remember.  Here are just a few of the many:

  • Her pigeon coos when she was only a few weeks old.
  • Her rigid, but super-cute arm movements, and the startle-response around the same time.
  • Her little waggly but when she would crawl.
  • Her little snort-snuff, scrunched-up-nose-face she would make.

I find many people, myself included sometimes, eagerly waiting for certain new developments–walking, sleeping on their own, drinking from a cup on their own, talking, etc–rather than simply enjoying each precious moment, especially the ones that will come and go.

As I stood there, rocking gently, singing to Anjali, I really tried to feel this warm, little, lovable creature holding on to me.  I took in the position of her head, where her hands were holding me, the sweet baby scent and her soft breathing.  I thought of a time in the future when she won’t want or need to be in my arms, or will be too big to be there.  Hopefully, when that time comes, I can look back and remember that I did cherish these kinds of moments, even if I also wished for a time when I could simply tell Anjali, “It’s nap time,” and she would climb into her bed and go to sleep by herself.

But what’s the rush?  Like I said, my friend’s daughter will walk in her own time.  Anjali will self-soothe in her own time.  Everyone tells me, “They grow up before you know it.”  So, I plan, at least, on pausing from time to time to really enjoy who Anjali is in the moment, rather than thinking too much of what will come.

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Dreading Nap Time? Patience Is The Way

Posted on February 2, 2011 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

I have been dreading nap time for the past couple of days.  Clearly, Anjali is tired.  But when I lay her in her little bed, she pops up, smiling and wanting to play, especially with her books (she loves her books as of late and wakes up immediately reaching for them).  It’s frustrating because when she’s in my arms she’s mellow–closing and rubbing her eyes and generally giving me the sense that she is tired.

I have been using a nap routine for 3 weeks to a month that has been working great.  I don’t think my routine used to be consistent enough, but I have made it pretty consistent over the last month or so.  I found this to be key in cuing her that it is naptime, and it has allowed me to help her to sleep in her bed, rather than in my arms.  I find this cue to be really important.  I am also still finding the 90-minute wake cycle to still be on point much of the time, though it’s best to listen and watch for her cues that she’s tired, not the clock.

But in the last couple days, perhaps as a result of all sorts of growth and changes (including top teeth ready to descend), Anjali is not falling asleep smoothly, or not wanting to fall asleep at all.  It has been trying my patience.  Or perhaps it’s because I am impatient that she is having trouble falling asleep.

Oh, papa.

I get tunnel-visioned into thinking she has to take a nap.  Then I get frustrated when she simply isn’t really ready to.  So, my frustration stems from me, not her!

So, one piece of advice I have is this: remain patient and calm.  Your baby intuitively picks up your mood and state of mind.  If I am impatient, Anjali senses this and she gets antsy.  If I am calm or even closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep myself, she reflects this and falls asleep quietly and peacefully.

A final piece of advice:  “All things must pass.”  If I remind myself that this may only last 3 days to a week, I can remain patient.  In fact, remembering that those tough times will pass may actually make the tough times pass quicker.

I need to remember to simply follow her in those times.  She needs my help.  Not the other way around…Not yet anyway.

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Have I Mentioned The Tao Of Fatherhood

Posted on December 15, 2010 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

I found this really inspiring blog called Tao Of Fatherhood. It’s simple (which is not always easy).  The author takes Taoist quotes and then relates them to his own experiences as a father, like this:

“Those who know others are intelligent;

Those who know themselves have insight.

Those who master others have ;

Those who master themselves have strength.”

Parents outweigh their children in strength and size, and the temptation to control our kids by is great. But the father who can guide his children with insight and effortless action, not strong words or threats, teaches them and the wisdom of being in the flow.

Only by being in control of our own thoughts and emotions can we act as a loving parent, not a micromanager.


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From Books To Instinct

Posted on December 13, 2010 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

I say it, but I don’t always follow it.  What?

Well, I say that parents should follow their instincts more, and rely less on “experts” and books.  But I am often guilty of trusting the opinions of others rather than soul-searching for my own answers.

Sleep/nap time is a good example of this.  Madhavi and I read a book called the 90 Minute Sleep Program, and we noticed that Anjali seemed to have this 90 minute cycle.  Of course, we realized that nothing was on the dot.  But the book served as a great guideline.

My problem is I started to trust the guideline more than my own instincts.  More importantly, I would sometimes follow the guideline rather than follow Anjali’s cues.  I would feel that she should nap, or needs to sleep.  Often, Anjali was really tired, but for whatever reason she just wasn’t ready to fall asleep.  If I listened to her more, I would have realized and admitted that sooner, and avoided whatever “struggle” I created.  I could have simply redirected–play with her, let her explore, simply hold her–and let her tell me when she is ready.

There are plenty of times I am tired (like right now, as I write this post!), but am not ready, or unable, to sleep.  When I think about it that way, it makes a lot of sense.

Now, time for bed…

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Bumbo Not Good For Babies’ Development

Posted on December 2, 2010 by Jeremy| 7 Comments

Have you heard of the Bumbo baby seat?  Apparently, this convenient infant sitting device is not so good for a baby’s development. Made By Wartburg Enterprises, the Bumbo is a single-piece seat made of a low-density foam.  It’s a deep seat, with a high back and sides.   There are leg holes, which fit to a baby’s size, and also a front support so the baby won’t fall out.

Essentially, it is yet another product that gets a baby doing some physical activity before they are developmentally ready–in this case, sitting upright.  Some parents ask “Is sitting bad for babies?”  Although the sitting posture is the least favorable posture for any human’s back, it is not bad for babies specifically.  In terms of the Bumbo, although it was designed with a baby’s posture in mind, the Bumbo is apparently bad for development.

“Stay At Home Papa uses and recommends the ERGO BABY CARRIER
and MOBY WRAP
as wonderful and safe alternatives to the Bumbo.”

Lots Of People Really Like The Bumbo

Someone lent me a Bumbo to try out.  I thought it was a really cool idea.  I sat Anjali in it around 3 month, and I was thinking, “This is great.  She can sit there while I practice piano or tabla.”  And then I took a closer look.  She looked anything but comfortable.  The Bumbo seemed to be almost forcefully holding her in an up right sitting position.  My wife looked into it, and sure enough she found many sources that suggested this thing was potentially harmful for her posture, and is likely to delay her ability to sit up on her own.  That was the last we saw of the Bumbo.  You know, if we can just wait until she’s ready to do stuff, Anjali will develop just fine.  Indeed, at about 5 months she was sitting up on her own.

The Bumbo is one of many products out there that are convenient for parents, seem are enjoyable (in many cases) for the baby, but is actually hindering the baby’s physical development.  Some other products that fall into this category are Jumperoos, walkers, baby bouncer jumpers and certain baby activity centers.

“Well I bought one for my son because it sounded neato to me (sorry) but he didn’t really like to sit in it. Well, he never protested but he didn’t look very comfortable so we never had him sit in it. He’s 6 months old now and can sit by himself so I guess it was just a big waste of $ for us! Go figure, the one babyholder gadget we buy and it’s a flop. haha!
All he wants is his Moby or Ergo!” –Quote from Mothering.com forum discussion.

The Problems With The Bumbo
So are the issues with the Bumbo baby seat, or the Bumbo Baby Sitter seat?  Well, the funny thing is, Wartburg Enterprises got an orthopedic therapist to claim, “The Bumbo seat stabilizes the child into slight hip flexion, placing the pelvis in a slight anterior pelvic tilt which facilitates lumbar extension.”  Huh?!  Really, what the Bumbo is doing is using a deep seat and raised leg holes to keep the baby in this semi-contorted position.  Of course they can’t fall!  And that is not a comfy sitting position. Try it yourself and see how long you last.

Furthermore, the baby really has nothing to do while sitting in there.  It is yet another detachment (from parents) device…A way for the parent to be hands free.  Sure, we all want that at times.  But the makers of the Bumbo claim that this thing is recommended for babies as early as 8 weeks!  I think at 8 weeks it is more recommend to hold your baby and create a strong bond.  Maybe that’s just an attachment parenting thing to say, but I strongly believe that forming that closeness and warmth very early will actually help your child develop and gain a strong sense of independence when they are ready.

Worse still, often people become lax or even negligent when they put their baby in some device like the Bumbo or activity center.  They figure that the device is holding them and keeping them safe.   Well, with the Bumbo, it was not safe.  In fact, there was a Bumbo baby seat recall of nearly one million bumbo baby sitters from 2003 to 2007.

Great Alternatives To The Bumbo

You can read my post on alternatives to the Bumbo seat.  But in a nutshell, I recommend using more attached “devices.”  By that I mean to use carriers and wraps such as the Ergo or Moby.  The benefits of using these:

  • Like the Bumbo, these carriers and wraps allow you to be hands free.
  • Unlike the Bumbo, your baby is close to you–attached.
  • Your baby is part of the action.  She is learning all the time as you carry her through your world.  This is such a great way for babies to actively learn.
  • You are providing security for your baby.  This is especially important in those early months, and this security will soon blossom into independence.
  • More exercise for you!
  • You are not leaving your child unattended at all.  They go where you go.  Completely safe.

In Defense of Bumbo
Some people defend these products, saying things like, “Well, my baby really seems to enjoy it,” or, “They are walking [sitting, playing, etc.] so well in it and having fun!”  I do not argue with that.  But just because it is fun for the baby doesn’t mean it is healthy for them.  Before Anjali could turn herself and go feet-first down a step, she tried to dive bomb head first.  Does that mean I should let her try that?!

Perhaps I’m ranting now.  But I feel bad for the babies.  I just think people need to re-evaluate their priorities, and take some responsibility, rather than depending on some “expert,” or worse yet, some corporation, to tell them what is best for their baby, themselves and their family.

Also, in defense of the Bumbo, some physical therapists use it to help developmentally challenged children, as those with Downs Syndrome, so there may be a few positives (besides parental convenience).  Finally, I certainly cannot blame the Bumbo or the company that manufactures them for the horrific injuries resulting from parents’ negligence.  That blame goes directly to the idiots who put their kids in this baby seat atop a table or chairs, resulting in serious injuries.

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Creating An Emotionally Safe Environment For Our Children

Posted on November 30, 2010 by Jeremy| 6 Comments

One thing my wife and I have been talking about a lot lately is how we can create an emotionally safe environment for Anjali.  We are always analyzing, learning and adjusting how we speak to her, in order to foster a comfortable emotional space for her.  Here are some of the things we strive for:

  • Avoiding Labels: We try not to label Anjali as anything in particular.  I talked about this a bit in my post, When I Grow Up I Want To Be In Middle Management.  Instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” or “You’re Silly,” we try to say things like, “Look how you figured that out,” or “That’s silly.”  The idea is not to give her the idea that she is a particular way, but that she can do many things, act many ways and be many things.
  • Avoiding Saying “No” All The Time: If she is doing something we don’t think she should do, we explain the action and what it is that she shoudn’t do.  A good example scenario: Anjali tries to grab mama’s glasses off of her face (often!).  Mama does not say, “No Anjali.”  Instead, she says, “Those are not for you.  I need those to see.”
  • Controlling Frustration: This can be one of my weak points, but I am constantly striving to do better.  Certainly we don’t want to express frustration toward her if she’s just doing what she does.  Yesterday morning I was trying to put Anjali’s clothes on, and as usual she was trying to crawl around and play.  I got a bit frustrated.  But she’s just 9 months old and exploring!  She doesn’t get the importance of what I want to do at that moment.  More importantly, my frustration just creates an unsafe environment for her.  If I get frustrated at every little thing, how will she every feel comfortable and thrive?  She won’t act for fear of frustrating papa.
  • Avoiding Over Praising: I just read this one in Mothering Magazine.  Praising helps children to feel lived and encouraged, but praising expressions of emotion can often have the opposite effect.  You’re child may come to expect praise in return for certain things, or avoid certain other emotions for fear of being rejected.
  • Don’t Tell Your Child How They Feel: Man, I am guilty of this sometimes.  Anjali has a small fall, and it’s obvious it didn’t hurt.  She’s just startled, or upset, or embarrassed, or feeling something.  I say, “Oh, you’re okay.  That was just a little fall.”  But maybe she’s not okay.  How do I know how she feels.  Instead, I should ask her if she’s okay.
  • Don’t Ask Lots OF Leading Questions: In the above example, I could have asked Anjali, “Did that hurt?”  I mean, that’s a pretty fair question.  But it is leading.  Leading questions have a way of telling the person how they should feel.  “Are you excited to go to school?”  This implies that they should feel excited.  It’s probably better to keep it neutral: “How do you feel about going to school?”

I have to say that not all of these things feel natural to do.  This is probably because we have grown up differently.  I, for one, have been working on not being so sarcastic.  I also work on my frustration, even if it has nothing to do directly with Anjali.  I get frustrated at things like fixing the garbage disposal, or dealing with a long customer service call.  But Anjali is learning from my behavior.  So if I’m getting all in a huff about the disposal–grunting or cursing or whatever–she’s picking up on that, and is likely to react that way at some point.

I am also keeping my language in check.  I have to correct myself all the time.  Not saying, “no” can be challenging.  Not saying, “you’re goofy,” when Anjali is acting goofy, can also be challenging.  I guess practice makes perfect…

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Co-Sleeping With Your Baby And Saving Your Relationship

Posted on October 7, 2010 by Jeremy| 2 Comments


Madhavi and I just celebrated our 2 year anniversary. Our friend Nancy (and her son Luke) agreed to occupy Anjali for a few hours while Madhavi and I had a celebratory lunch at Amada (best tapas in Philly!). Nancy, lives in our neighborhood, which made this quite easy. This was only the 2nd time since Anjali has been born that one of us wasn’t with her for more than a minute. Needless to say, this lunch was a much needed re-affirmation of our relationship and marriage. We realized on the way there that yesterday was the first time in 8 months that Madhavi road in the passenger seat while I drove. It’s easy to forget the little things like that.

Everything is quite healthy in our marriage and relationship, due in part to an unbreakable bond and commitment to communication. But certainly sleep deprivation, busy schedules and a huge parenting learning curve have their way of getting under the skin of even the healthiest relationship. I try often to re-affirm what connects Madhavi and me. I try to see through the fog of sleeplessness and the resulting snap remarks and short tempers. I remember, with fondness and longing, what it was like for us to sleep alone in our bed, while focusing on how important co-sleeping is for Anjali, and how warm and loving our family bed is. Here are some ideas I have had, learned and read in regards to nurturing your relationship on the journey of parenthood:

  • I have heard it said that a child is Love manifest. I feel this in my heart and remind myself of this. Anjali, in many ways, is the sum of our love. So, if I am missing some of the intimacy in my relationship with Madhavi, I look at our happy baby and see our love in her…A sort of transfer of energy. Accept that your relationship is different now. That’s a good thing though. Watching your relationship grow and change is all part of life.
  • If you co-sleep with your baby, or have some alternative sleeping arrangement (I slept on the floor for a period of time before we got our bigger bed!), remember that bed does not = place of intimacy. Rethink your moments of intimacy. Similarly, “dates” do not have to be at night, when bedtimes and routines for babies are important. We feel more comfortable with a lunch date, and keeping our evenings with Anjali.
  • Keep in mind it is okay to want have some time to yourselves. This is a tough one for us, because we really felt it was important for one of us to be with Anjali all the time. And I am glad we did things that way. Now that Anjali is becoming more independent, we feel more comfortable with the idea of leaving her in someone else’s care while we get some time to ourselves.
  • Remind your spouse of how much you love and appreciate them, verbally. I notice Madhavi will say things like, “I really appreciate all you do for us…” I don’t feel like I remind her enough, but I try. It means a lot when she says things like that to me, and I’m sure she feels the same.
  • Do simple, nice things: a foot rub, a treat, a flower, a favor. These things are obviously nurturing, and especially so when there is so little time to chill.
  • Papas: Help out at night. There are times when Anjali wants to munchie-munchie all night, resulting in little sleep for mama and daughter. Or there are times when Anjali is just awake. That’s my cue. Often I can help her back to sleep, or play with her if she is awake. Sometimes she just wakes up a few minutes after I lay her back down in our bed. But I figure I still gave Madhavi some relief.
  • Read Everyday Blessings to help be in the moment. Realize the journey can be difficult but beautiful.
  • Remember time is most important, and you can never get it back. Make time for your family; make time for each other. You are not too busy; that’s just a mindset.

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Self Soothing For Babies

Posted on September 17, 2010 by Jeremy| Leave a comment


Several months ago I noticed signs that Anjali may be able to self-sooth herself to sleep. Mainly, I saw that when she was really sleepy she would suck on her hand, fingers or thumb as I held her in my arms and swayed her to sleep. Of course, that was in the phase when her hands were often in her mouth even when not tired. Still, I saw it as a sign in the days when I feel like I was dancing and swaying with her for about 50% of my days (good exercise though!).

Recently, I began to let Anjali cry and emote before a nap, in order to let off some steam. In my Crying It Out In Arms, Part 1, 2 and 3 posts, I talked about how I was learning and feeling like it was okay to let her cry, so long as she was either in my arms or close to me on the bed.

In a short time the crying has become less and less. There have been some naps with no crying at all. Sometimes, she’ll lay next to me and cry briefly, stop for a bit, and then put her hands in her mouth and sort of moan herself to sleep. Sometimes she falls asleep quietly and softly. Sometimes I sing to her; sometimes I just soothingly say the words “sleepy time” to her; sometimes we have different music to listen to.

Most importantly, if the crying goes on for about 10 minutes, or it becomes really agitated, I pick her up and help her to sleep. I do not abandon her to cry on her own or let her feel helpless even as I lay next to her. This is par for the course for attachment parenting.

Slowly but surely Anjali is learning to fall asleep on her own.

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Crying It Out In Arms, Part 3

Posted on September 9, 2010 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

In parts 1 and 2 I started exploring the idea of letting Anjali emote and cry in my arms or in contact with me, before a nap. As attachment parenting advocates, Madhavi and I are very focused on fostering a relationship of trust with our daughter. Although we want Anjali to be able to fall asleep independently, our attitude is that she will be able to do this in time, with some gentle persuasion. We don’t want to leave her alone to cry or be distressed.

Today I tried what I did yesterday. When I knew Anjali’s wake cycle (based on a 90 minute cycle) was coming to an end I brought her up to our family bed, put on some sleepytime music and read a few books to her. She also crawled around and played a bit before showing signs of really being tired (rubbing eyes, crying a bit, etc). I let her cry in my arms for a minute and then gently laid her down next to me on the bed, again with one arm under her and one free to pat her belly. Then I started singing her sleepytime song. She cried about 8 minutes, just like yesterday. What was different today is that she did not fall asleep right after she stopped crying. Instead, for about 5 minutes, she looked around with glazed eyes, occasionally turning her head or moving her arms. I continued to sing to her and think and feel soothing thoughts. After about 5 minutes her eyes closed.

Perhaps over time I will be able to lay her down with less and less crying, until it takes no crying before her naps. We’ll see…

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Crying It Out In Arms Part 2

Posted on September 8, 2010 by Jeremy| Leave a comment

In part one of my Crying It Out In Arms post, I talked about how I am exploring letting Anjali emote and cry in my arms just before a nap or bedtime. Although I was apprehensive at fist, I found that it seemed like a natural progression for her to let out built up emotion, energy and stimulation that accumulated throughout the day. This doesn’t happen every time I help her to sleep, but when it does she cries for 5-10 minutes in my arms, or on the bed next to me. When I feel she is done I pick her up and rock her to sleep either singing or putting on her nap time music. Though I am letting her cry I am not leaving her alone, and I don’t let the crying last more than 10 minutes (which at times even feels too long). This has been helpful, as I find that once she emotes she has a nice, long and restful nap.

Today, I tried a little something different. I laid with her in the bed, put one arm under her and one free to pat her. I let her cry right next to me, and after a few minutes I started to sing a sleepy time song I wrote for her. After about 8 minutes of full out crying she stopped and within about 30 seconds her eyes closed and she was asleep. I continued to sing for a few more minutes, and she was fully out.

Could this be a beginning to her self-soothing?

Again, it felt right because I was right there with her, in contact with her and she could hear my voice. Also, I think it is interesting to note that her eyes are generally closed when she is sleepy and crying before a nap or bedtime. This tells me she is indeed tired and not distressed for some other reason. I also know that she was well fed prior to the naptime, and she had already pottied.

We will see how this progresses.

Read Crying It Out In Arms, Part 3

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