Category Archives: attachment parenting

I am constantly at odds with myself about my approach toward various daily activities Anjali does, or activities I do with her.  I go back and forth between being a “teacher” or being a “facilitator.”

In theory, Madhavi and I both lean toward being facilitators rather than teachers.  We want Anjali to discover things for herself, with us acting more as guides and  providing a safe environment for her to do so.

I think a great environment for children to learn in is one in which parents provide a safe environment and then step out of the way, even if we have to watch our children make a mess, fall or do things “wrong” a handful of times.

It can be a challenge to get out of the way and let Anjali do what she wants to do to discover things for herself.  It is hard in a world wrought with rules, where we know the “proper” way to do things, to let go and let her explore possibilities.  It can be irritating to watch Anjali make a complete mess that I have to clean up.

It is fascinating watching Anjali stand on a step stool at the kitchen sink and learn to manipulate water, or learn cause and effect (If I pour this here, it fills up there, etc.).  It is also tough to stand back and let her spill the water all over the floor.

It can be frustrating when Anjali wants to wear her jacket when it’s 85 degrees and humid outside.  But I figure she will realize she is hot and sweaty as a result, and learn the cause and effect of her action.  And she will learn more directly that way, rather than me explaining the consequence.

I think Anjali learned to handle a glass of water early on because we were willing to nervously let her try.  We just made sure to provide a glass that was durable.

Sometimes, of course, it is hard to let go.  It is hard to step out of our parent directed teaching to let our children learn by their own discovery.

Here is an example…

Dinner Time

Here is a typical dinner as of late.

Madhavi and I are sitting at the table, or sometimes on a blanket on the floor, eating dinner.  Anjali seems relatively uninterested in eating.  We have long since stopped putting her in a high-chair.  She usually stands on a chair at the table instead.  She starts at one chair and quickly makes her rounds to Madhavi’s lap, then another chair and then my lap.  Occasionally she picks at her plate or our plates, or allows us to offer her a morsel of food.

I am beginning to wonder if our vaguely designated time for dinner is an imposition on Anjali’s disinterest in scheduled, or even semi-scheduled, events.

Should Anjali be expected to eat just because we have decided it is dinner time?

In theory, we believe she should not be.  We figure she eats when she is hungry.  It’s fine if she doesn’t want to eat now.

Again, that’s the theory.  The problem is that if she doesn’t eat now, or right after her bath, before bed (which I call “second dinner,” and is a typical occurrence), then she goes to bed hungry.  Who suffers then?  Both Madhavi and Anjali.  Anjali ends up hungry in the night, so she wakes more.  And guess what?  She nurses much more, keeping Madhavi from sleeping well too.

Take two

Some nights we keep telling Anjali she has to eat.  I am not sure she understands the consequences yet.  But there are nights when we do the very thing I hate doing–the thing I have seen other parents do that I don’t really want to do: we end up pushing the food on her, or saying things like, “you need to eat.”

I don’t think meals should be forced on children.  I just don’t want Madhavi to lose sleep because we have a constantly nursing toddler in the night.  Can you see the dilemma?  This is one we are back and forth on.

As She Grows She Knows

I tell myself to trust that, within reason, Anjali knows what she needs.  She knows if she is hungry.  She knows if she is hot or cold.  She knows if she is tired…Most of the time.  There are plenty of times she is tired but doesn’t want to go to sleep.  There are times when we know she’s hot, and she’s obviously uncomfortable, but she doesn’t realize all she has to do is take her jacket off.  There are also times when she may be uncomfortably hungry, but turns to nursing because it is comforting and nourishing.

What I have faith in is that Anjali will figure it out in time.  As she sees her actions have certain results, Anjali takes note eventually.  As she is better able to communicate verbally, the better we can directly understand what she wants and needs.

Rather than create rules, stick to schedules or deal out time-outs (or whatever the common toddler-punishment is these days), I would rather give Anjali an encouraging and safe environment where she can discover on her own, even if it means I have to work a little harder or alternatively step aside altogether.

Seeing her achieve on her own, even with a few bumps and bruises, is totally worth it.  And she seems to give back love over and over again in so many ways.