Night after night I keep ending up there.
An hour or two passes. My eyes get dry from staring at the screen. I’m sleepy, and know I’ll be woken not long after the sun comes up.
It’s not You Tube. It’s SandraDodd.com.
Anyone parent the least bit interested in blowing all of their preconceptions about parenting out of the water, click the link above. Any parent the least bit interested in their children LEARNING, rather than being TAUGHT, click that link. Any parent who might consider relinquishing CONTROL from their bag of parenting tricks, in exchange for forging a relationship of EQUAL exchange, go there.
Anyway…
I have been grappling with some things and I question whether I do them because I am trying to teach Anjali about consequences, or because I am trying to maintain control. In either case I feel I have failed.
(I know deep in my heart that Anjali LEARNS by observation and experience, not from me telling her something. For example, she says “thank you,” not because we told her to say that, or that it’s polite, but because we say it to her and each other. She hears us offer gratitude, and she offers it too.)
So here’s an example of what I’m grappling with:
Anjali knocked my tabla over purposely (I say purposely simply to differentiate from accidentally, but in hindsight I know she was just exploring what would happen if she moved them this way and that). I told her I didn’t like that, that the drums are fragile and not meant to be used that way. I asked her to pick them up. She looks at me silently, though her look simply says, “No, you do it.”
What I could have done was to ask nicely again, then if she refused again tell her why that wasn’t cool, and then either pick them up myself or leave them. Instead, I told her if she doesn’t pick them up then we will put her blocks away since she had moved on to playing blocks after knocking my drums over (What was I thinking? What do the blocks have to do with the tabla being knocked over). This was my first mistake.
Anyway, once I had made that knee-jerk threat–an act of CONTROL–I felt like I had to stick to it. Mistake #2: being inflexible.
I put the blocks away. She got upset. Then when she asked for some of the popcorn I was just finishing making, I told her she can have some when she picked up the tabla. This really spoke to her because she had been really excited about the popcorn. She started picking up the drums, which I ended up helping with because one was too heavy for her.
Someone might say that I got the result I needed. The drums got picked up and Anjali learned that if she does something she’s not supposed to there will be negative consequences (things being taken away or withheld).
The underlying message sent, however, is that I am in CONTROL. If you do something I don’t like, I will do something you don’t like in response. Forget the fact that Anjali was just playing! She wasn’t being mischievous or anything like it.
I felt (and feel, as I write this) bad. It wasn’t the right thing to do. Or, at least, it wasn’t the kind of parent I strive to be.
So when I read some things on Sandra Dodd’s website, about Unschooling and such, it really moved me in a positive direction. It made me realize that I can’t arrive at my ideal for parenthood over night. And it gave me a lot of food for thought, especially this quote from this page here:

















