Author Archives: Jeremy

Learning Vs. Teaching (and letting go of Control)

Night after night I keep ending up there.

An hour or two passes.  My eyes get dry from staring at the screen.  I’m sleepy, and know I’ll be woken not long after the sun comes up.

It’s not You Tube.  It’s SandraDodd.com.

Anyone parent the least bit interested in blowing all of their preconceptions about parenting out of the water, click the link above.  Any parent the least bit interested in their children LEARNING, rather than being TAUGHT, click that link.  Any parent who might consider relinquishing CONTROL from their bag of parenting tricks, in exchange for forging a relationship of EQUAL exchange, go there.

Anyway…

I have been grappling with some things and I question whether I do them because I am trying to teach Anjali about consequences, or because I am trying to maintain control.  In either case I feel I have failed.

(I know deep in my heart that Anjali LEARNS by observation and experience, not from me telling her something.  For example, she says “thank you,” not because we told her to say that, or that it’s polite, but because we say it to her and each other.  She hears us offer gratitude, and she offers it too.)

So here’s an example of what I’m grappling with:

Anjali knocked my tabla over purposely (I say purposely simply to differentiate from accidentally, but in hindsight I know she was just exploring what would happen if she moved them this way and that).  I told her I didn’t like that, that the drums are fragile and not meant to be used that way.  I asked her to pick them up.  She looks at me silently, though her look simply says, “No, you do it.”

What I could have done was to ask nicely again, then if she refused again tell her why that wasn’t cool, and then either pick them up myself or leave them.  Instead, I told her if she doesn’t pick them up then we will put her blocks away since she had moved on to playing blocks after knocking my drums over (What was I thinking?  What do the blocks have to do with the tabla being knocked over).  This was my first mistake.

Anyway, once I had made that knee-jerk threat–an act of CONTROL–I felt like I had to stick to it.   Mistake #2: being inflexible.

I put the blocks away.  She got upset.  Then when she asked for some of the popcorn I was just finishing making, I told her she can have some when she picked up the tabla.  This really spoke to her because she had been really excited about the popcorn.  She started picking up the drums, which I ended up helping with because one was too heavy for her.

Someone might say that I got the result I needed.  The drums got picked up and Anjali learned that if she does something she’s not supposed to there will be negative consequences (things being taken away or withheld).

The underlying message sent, however, is that I am in CONTROL.  If you do something I don’t like, I will do something you don’t like in response.  Forget the fact that Anjali was just playing!  She wasn’t being mischievous or anything like it.

I felt (and feel, as I write this) bad.  It wasn’t the right thing to do.  Or, at least, it wasn’t the kind of parent I strive to be.

So when I read some things on Sandra Dodd’s website, about Unschooling and such, it really moved me in a positive direction.  It made me realize that I can’t arrive at my ideal for parenthood over night.  And it gave me a lot of food for thought, especially this quote from this page here:

“It’s not too late to do that next time.”

Toddler Activities

Sorting Beans:

The perfect Zen activity for a Papa lacking sufficient sleep.

Thoughts For A Two Year Old Parent

It has been a while since I posted anything here.  Is anybody still out there still tuning in to Stay At Home Papa?  I haven’t felt like writing, and I see no point in posting if I don’t feel like it (after all, I make enough from blogging  per month to buy a pizza, so it’s not like like I do this for the money!).

It’s 1:38 am, and I’m having some thoughts I’d just like to spew them because, well, they are keeping me from sleeping and I really just want to go to bed.  Here they are in no particular order of importance:

mindful parenting – being fully in the moment

When I invest myself fully in being with and doing stuff with Anjali, we are both much happier and satisfied.  It is when I’m distracted by getting work or other things done that I get easily frustrated, annoyed or controlling…And Anjali desires more of my attention.

This is even true if I am getting things done that I need to, such as food shopping, going to the bank or preparing meals.  If I do those things with her rather than despite her, they are way more fun.  They are also valuable learning experiences for both of us.

terrible twos is a lie

I think what people are referring to is that children at this age are exploring (physically, mentally, emotionally), testing boundaries, figuring things out.  They are very good at expressing themselves at some points, and overwhelmed by emotion at others (and not sure how to communicate clearly how they feel).

It’s actually quite amazing to witness this growth daily!

The less I try and control, the less “terrible” the outcome.  As long as it’s physically and emotionally safe, I should probably let her try.

Most importantly, we need to respect them as people.  Do I walk up to a friend and grab something out of their hand because they “shouldn’t” have it?  Do I badger my wife over and over again to wash her hands after playing outside?

hello, i’m right here!

I have been thinking about what it must feel like to Anjali when Madhavi and I tell each other something cute, interesting or funny that Anjali did that day in the third person….Or when we laugh at how she says something (lovingly of course, because when she says something cute it’s hard not to)…Or when someone says, “She’s so cute,” or “That’s so cute.”

Do these things belittle her?  Does it feel to her like we’re not taking her seriously?

We try to include her in our recounting of the day’s activities.  I’m trying not to laugh at something cute she says–to keep the laughter inside and cherish the moment–so as not to belittle what she is saying.  As far as other people commenting to me about her, while she’s right there….That’s tough.  I’m trying to immediately include Anjali in the conversation, rather than make her simply the subject of adult speak.

am i being ignored

Sometimes I say something to Anjali, or I ask her a question, and get no response.  I wonder, often aloud, if I’m being ignored.  It frustrates the hell out of me!  Is she intentionally ignoring me?

Nope.

Just because she is not responding does not mean she’s ignoring me.  There’s a lot going on in that 2 year old brain, and I shouldn’t expect immediacy just because I want it.  Most often, she’s definitely listening.

Like this:

She’s feeling my cheeks and my scratchy beard.  It escalates into smacking me in the face playfully.  But it hurts.  I tell her I don’t like that, and not to hit me.

No response.

I have tried to ask for an apology.  That’s just stupid because I know full well she learns from example, not from being asked or told what to do.

But later when I playfully throw a cloth ball to bop her on the head, she tells me she doesn’t like that, confirming that she heard just what I said before.  And that is my opportunity to tell her I’m sorry and that I won’t do that again.

screen time

This is a tough one.

We currently let Anjali watch about 1 hr. of videos (Netflix streaming–Backyardigans and Yo Gabba Gabba are her current favorites) a day.  If she doesn’t ask for it I don’t remind her.  She can watch that amount of time broken up throughout the day or in one sitting.

Recently a friend told me they cut out screen time for their toddler.  They felt there was too much emotional attachment to it…Meltdowns, incessant asking for it…They also pointed out what videos and TV are doing neurologically, and that there are studies pointing to the detriments.

I didn’t do any real digging on the studies (maybe more on that later).  I was feeling like maybe Anjali is too young to handle all of that passive stimulation, that it is affecting her emotionally on levels she is not ready for and I wondered if it is causing neurological damage.

I just don’t know the answers to that yet.

BUT, I was just on Sandra Dodd’s Unschooling website, and was totally engrossed in several topics, one of which was about television.

The general consensus by contributing writers on the site was that putting no limits on TV time was yielding great results–that is, when parents actually sat down and watched with their kids, engaged in conversation about the programs and generally got involved.  Yes, many experienced periods of TV binging.  But eventually it tapered off.

They also see television as a learning device, citing things like kids being inspired to learn Italian after watching some Italian channel.

The basic principal was not to make screen time the forbidden fruit.  After all, making it such just makes kids want it more.

I’m finding this philosophy fascinating (though sort of scary).  I intend to follow up on this topic at some point.

(time for bed)

EC Update: Are kids who use elimination communication out of diapers earlier?

I have been meaning to post updates on our elimination communication journey (I’ve been meaning to do a lot of things).

I think I said it.  EC is a journey.  Traditional, mainstream potty training seems to be more of an event.  That is, with EC we started very early–Anjali’s 2nd week or so–and continue now that she is 2.  The approach with potty training is to let kids poop and pee in their diaper until about age 2, then flip the script suddenly and tell them they need to do it differently now.

Although EC takes a conscious effort for a longer period of time, it is really about communication.  It respects the fact that infants have an innate ability to recognize when they have to go.  It is much more hygienic.  Plus, there’s WAY less poop to clean out of diapers, cloths, skin etc.

Are kids who use EC out of diapers earlier?  On average, yes.  Many are “potty trained” by 18 months.

Anjali was not.  But she was telling us very often when she had to pee or poop.  When we kept her diaper free, which was most of the time when we were at home, she would go to the potty herself, often without even mentioning it.  We kept her wipes in an easy-to-reach drawer for her, and she started getting them and wiping herself (for pees) by 20 months or so.

A few months ago I started putting her in underwear.  She was pretty good about telling me if she had to go.  She definitely told me if she did go.  I would always make sure to have a change of clothes if we were out, and I carried along this little Potette Plus foldable and portable potty (that little thing rocks, although Anjali is NOT into public bathrooms…I don’t blame her).  And I would remind her, “Just let me know if you have to potty.  I have your potty seat with me, or we can go home…”

Those can be some funny times because Anjali was just doing her thing–playing and having fun–while I was being a little paranoid, asking her too often if she has to go.  In some ways I think that it was a good thing when she peed and didn’t make it to a potty…Sort of a reminder.  And in underwear she could definitely feel it.

I noticed about a month ago, while we were sometimes using underwear, but still uncomfortable without a diaper in long excursions out of the house, that she would usually pee in the diaper if she had one on, but would hold it until we got home if she had underwear on.  That’s when I realized I am done with putting her in the diapers.

Now she’s just a month over 2 years old.  I barely think of doing anything else but putting underwear on her.  I may remind her once in a while that she has underwear on, so she has to tell me if she needs to go.  But generally, in the last two weeks, I don’t even think about it.  I trust that she’ll tell me, and I know that she is good about holding it until we’re home.

I would say she is now officially out of diapers, though we still (perhaps out of some sort of paranoia) put her in one at night, despite the fact that the diaper is always dry in the morning.

I think it’s pretty cool to watch this natural progression and awareness in Anjali.  While there were some “potty strikes,” where she would refuse the potty at certain times, for a week or so, we haven’t had the battles I hear about with conventional potty training.  We don’t have any Elmo potty books, or videos that teach about using the potty.  We don’t applaud her or give her a sticker when she goes, and we never have.  We have always made it just a part of what we all do (an open door policy helps too).

Today Anjali grabbed her little Baby Bjorn Potty Seat from the hook and put it on the toilet, saying she had to pee.  I reached to pick her up and put her on the seat.  She said, “No.  I do it myself.”  She climbed right up there with a little struggle, adjusted herself, peed and climbed back down, ready for action.

I love it.

My Toddler Won’t Do What I Ask: Waiting It Out

Anjali has truly slowed me down.

I mean that in a completely positive way (well, mostly).  Although things take longer (getting dressed, getting out of the house, food shopping…just about everything), I don’t think I’m worse off for it.  It has taken me a while to let go of punctuality, and especially the arbitrary time constraints I tend to put on myself.

One day it dawned on me that perhaps there is a purpose to the seeming meanderings of a toddler.

Anjali sometimes takes 10 minutes to come downstairs.  She ignores me when I’m waiting by the door saying, “Let’s get your shoes on so we can go to the park,” all the while picking up random objects in the house, singing or climbing on EVERYTHING.

I realized if I stop asking or demanding her to do what I want…If I stop getting frustrated because it’s taking too long…If I stop chasing her or trying to figure out a way to convince her to hurry up…If I stop everything altogether and just wait, then she eventually comes to me and follows through.  And ultimately, how much time do I lose?  Maybe 5 minutes.

I notice if I try to hard, or I get frustrated, 30 seconds seems like 10 minutes.  But if I tell her gently, “I’ll wait here until you’re ready,” breathe and sit there, the time passes quicker.  In fact, it gives me a few moments to get centered.

So if I lose 5 minutes, even when I have an important appointment or something, what’s the big deal.  I realize now that there is no big deal.

Anjali knows that innately and reflects it in her continuous wonder and exploration.  When I stop and observe her lack of agenda, I take my agenda’s importance down a couple of notches.

I think Anjali gets, in some way, that I am respecting her free-spiritedness.  At the same time, I think she is starting to respect when something is time-sensitive for me, without me freaking out about it, but rather quietly letting her know…by telling her and waiting, rather than making a demand.

On friday I was waiting for her to face front in her car seat so I could buckle her in (this is routine these days: she climbs into the car and stands on her car seat facing the back of the car…Asking her 10 times to turn around doesn’t always work).  After a minute of me sitting there quietly, she said, “I’m ready papa…Papa’s waiting…I’m ready.”

I’m ready to learn more from this little being…

Toddler Pattern Development

MEET anjali’s new friends, ABBY AND EMMA…

Do you notice something interesting about these two?  Or really, Abby, the one on the right?

She never changes her clothes.  Blue jeans and brown jacket, always.  Anjali won’t allow another outfit.   That’s “my Abby,” as she calls her.  Abby even finds her way into the bed.

Meanwhile, Emma can go through frequent wardrobe changes throughout the day.  Usually Anjali hands her over to Madhavi or I, saying, “Here ya go.”  She let’s us change Emma’s clothes, but won’t let us do much of anything with Abby.

This is a time when Anjali is developing an understanding of “mine,” and “me.”  She’s learning how to control her world–or that she can control her world–most often expressing herself verbally.  She is developing a keen awareness of patterns and groupings.

This lining-up-the-blocks photo below is a perfect example.

Here too, she is very protective of her organizations and creations.  If I try to add anything on she barks an emotional “Noooo!  Stop.  Stop papa, stop!”

As with Abby and Emma, Anjali has reign over the blue blocks, while mama and me are relegated to the rest.  We can do what we want with those.

Anjali is also recognizing many of the letters.  What I think is even cooler is she carefully points to and counts the blocks in her “big block tower,” as she calls them.  She surprised me when she counted to 14 fairly accurately.

Time Saving Tips For Food Prep

I just chopped a pound and a half of shiitake mushrooms for the week.  That’s just one of the things I prepared in advance.

I am a bit of a loser, yes.

But if you read on you will pick up some tips to save you precious minutes–even hours–of otherwise wasted time (that is, unless you love spending time chopping vegetables, recreating lists unnecessarily and wasting time at the market, in which case you might want to come back to my blog for the next post).

As I have mentioned in other posts, we are constantly trying to do things around this house more efficiently…Everything from paying bills to food prep.  For example, I set it up so I have almost all of my bills due within 2 or 3 days of each other, so I only have to sit down once a month to pay them all (there’s a tip for you before I got to my official list :) )

Maybe some of the stuff seems anal, or at least overly organized.

The purpose, however, is to free up time, the most valuable thing any of us have.

I would much rather have more time to really be with Anjali than to waste it paying bills.  I cherish an extra 15-30 minutes I may get each day to write or practice music rather than having to repeat boring tasks in the kitchen.  And if Madhavi and I plan to reach financial goals in order to free up more time, every minute counts, and I don’t want to waste time recreating the wheel when it comes to meal planning, shopping lists and food prep.

The other thing is that we don’t want to sacrifice the quality of our food or meals for the sake of saving time.  We eat very little processed food anymore…No more prepared, frozen dinners, canned soups, cereal, etc.

Okay, now that I have justified myself (thus proving that I do feel a little lame being so practicalorganized and effective), here are some tips for you in no particular order.

  • Create a master shopping list.  This list should include the staple items for your household–anything you use every week.  An example: we make green smoothies every morning, so bananas, pineapple and greens are items on our master list.  You print out a copy of the master list, cross off anything you don’t need and add items you do need that week.  Prior to doing this I was wasting time and mental energy going through the cabinets trying to re-create what was already a given.  If you want to get ultra-geeky, like me, you can divide your list by sections of the grocery store.  I put all produce on one side of the paper, and all other items on the other.
  • Plan your meals for the week.  This is tried and true.  The idea here is to batch the task of figuring out what you will eat every day, rather than spending time and energy staring at the fridge saying, “what should we eat?”  This will also save you time at the grocery store.  I probably used to spend at least a half hour more at the store because I was just buying and trying to figure out what I would use them for on the fly.
  • Chop what you can for the entire week. As I mentioned earlier, I chopped a bunch of mushrooms.  We make miso soupevery day (also a time saver, I know exactly what I am eating for lunch and don’t have to waste time figuring that out everyday.  Plus, it’s super yummy!).  I realized that I save time if I chop them all in advance for the week.  This is another batching thing.  Of course, there are certain things that won’t work out so well.  If I washed all the mushrooms in advance, they would start to go bad sooner.  Consider chopping celery or onion in advance and freezing it to quickly add to soups (as long as it isn’t left in the freezer for too long).  Chop all of your greens for the week (we use a lot of greens, so this saves us a ton of time).  My mom used to chop ginger and garlic and put it in little foil packets in the freezer to quickly grab when preparing meals.
  • Keep a folder or binder with your favorite and/or most used recipes. I am getting really tired of sifting through a dozen cook books to figure out what we are going to eat that week.  The fact is, we really use 2-3 of them the most.  We copied the recipes we liked out of the others and kicked those space-wasters to the curb (we live in a row home in Philly…we’re also constantly improving the use of our space :) ).  After some trial and error we will find a good balance of meals we like a lot that don’t take a tone of time to prepare.  Those meals go into the binder, thus making my meal planning less draining and time-wasting.
  • Slow Cooker Meals.  My new thing is doing one slow cooker meal a week.  It is so easy to just chop a bunch of things (or even easier if they are chopped in advance!), throw them in the cooker and walk away for 6 hours.  Plus, the house smells awesome.
  • Same breakfast, same lunch. I kinda mentioned this already.  But at the risk of sounding boring, we eat the same breakfast every morning, and the same lunch, more or less, every afternoon.  Oatmeal and green juice in the morning (used to be that plus eggs, but we’re moving toward being vegan), miso soup and salad for lunch (we might add something else in for lunch, like a leftover dinner or beans and rice…But something easy to reheat).  The point is, I don’t have to think at all to prepare these meals.  This saves and energy.  It also helps perfect the things I make for those meals.  Our miso soup is so ridiculously good at this point.
  • Shop at odd times. I hate when we’re low on food and I have to go shopping on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.  I cannot freakin’ stand bumping into other people’s carts, or waiting for people to move out of my way so I can reach some cucumbers.  And parking lots totally suck at peak hours (it takes me almost as long to park as it does for me to drive to the store!).  That is why I like to shop (okay, this is going to really qualify me as a loser) on a Saturday or Sunday night, like around 9pm.  Most of the time I go with Anjali on a Monday or Tuesday mid-morning, which is also a fair time to shop–not too crowded.  By the way, when I was single, I used to go shopping at this 24 hour Pathmark at 2 or 3 in the morning, after a regular gig I had.  I had that place completely to myself; it was kinda creepy.

I have a lot of other seemingly odd-ball time-saving tricks.  I’ll fill you in on some others later.  I wonder if any of you have some helpful or even strange tips for maximizing quality time.

Thanks for indulging me!

Mid-Week Music: Anjali Sings To Us

Anjali has been singing so much lately.  She loves to sing and she loves when we sing.

She’ll say, “Mama, sing All My Friends Are Different,” from Yo Gabba Gabba.

It is absolutely precious, so I wanted to share with you.  In this video you’ll get to hear Twinkle, Twinkle.

(I give you the unedited versions because I love that she immediately wants to see herself on the camera as soon as I get it out.  It makes shooting video of her quite challenging!  The song comes in around 1.10.)

How To Teach Your Kid How To Read

That’s a trick title.

At least, I’m discovering (read: HAVING MY MIND BLOWN!) that given the right trust and “tools,” our kids can learn to read on their own, or likely with far fewer than 30 hours of “help” from us.

The guy that’s blowing my mind

John Holt is a writer, educator, lecturer and amateur musician who wrote 10 insightful (to me, ground-breaking) books about children and early learning.

In Holt’s view, learning is not the result of teaching, but rather a constant and universal human activity.

The part that’s blowing my mind right now

Okay, so here is something I just read that has me on one hand like, ‘This is so amazingly refreshing and new to me,’ and on the other hand like, ‘This completely rings true to me to my core.’

Holt makes the analogy, in his book Learning All The Time, that learning to read is, like learning to speak, and “extraordinary intellectual feat we all accomplish before the adults got it into their heads that they could “teach” us.

Parents don’t teach kids to read anymore than parents teach kids to speak.

We don’t teach our children how to speak.  They learn by constant exposure.

I notice this time and time again with Anjali.  She is constantly saying things I never “taught” her.  They are rather things she picks up that Madhavi or I say in everyday conversation.  In fact, many times she is less interested in the things I try to teach.

Holt agrees.  He says,

Children get ready to speak by hearing speech all around them.  The important thing about that speech is that the adults, for the most part, are not talking in order to give children a model.  They are talking to each other because they have things to say.

So the first thing the baby intuits, figures out, about the speech of adults, is that it is serious…well worth doing.

SO TRUE!  This is not only true with speech, but just about everything!   Anjali wants the real tools more than her toy ones.  She want the Mamas lotion more than her own.  She wants to eat off of our big plates rather than her own.  She wants to drink out of a glass more than her sippy cup.

what children need to get ready for reading

So how do we (how does Holt) apply this to reading?

Simple.

Children need exposure to a lot of PRINT.  Not pictures, but print.

(okay, I too am freaking out a little (again!) as I type that because we have been surrounding Anjali with lots of both pictures and print.  But let’s not beat ourselves up.  At 22 months I am not pushing or expecting her to start reading now.  But this is definitely food for thought)

Holt says that children need to “bathe their eyes in print, as when smaller they bathe their ears in talk.”  As they see print more and more, these meaningless shapes, lines and squiggles take form.  They become recognizable (like when Anjali recognizes the letter “O” or “I”!).

After a while, and without really knowing what letters or words are, they begin to see some patterns–that this letter appears here, and that bunch of letters shows up there.   When they have learned to really see letters and words, then they can start asking questions about what they say and what they mean.  But not before.

reading tools for our kids

Holt suggests (and I am apt to agree) that our children are visually exposed, in school and out, in the pre-reading years and after, all kinds of written stuff from the adult world.  He suggests, for example, that a great “reading readiness material” is a large print version of the New York Times.  The print is large enough, and the paper is attractive because it is part of the “adult world.”

Other reading materials to have handy from the “adult world” are maps, ticket stubs, copies of bank statements, instruction manuals, pamphlets, flyers, old phone books, etc.

Perhaps we shouldn’t be showing only videos or photos on our computers and I-Pads.  We should be letting our children see e-zines, emails, e-newsletters and blogs.

finally…

I must say this sounds good to me.  A hands off approach.

But don’t get me wrong.  I am all to eager to watch Anjali grow and learn and explore and wonder.  Holt’s Book(and I think I’ll have to get my hands on more of his books) rings true to me, especially since we greatly consider homeschooling…

Or perhaps it’s unschooling.

What I loved about John Holt right away, was that on page 2 he talks about trust, security and comfort being at the foundation of a child’s learning.  If there is anything Madhavi and I have been foster in Anjali from the beginning, it is trust, security and unconditional love.

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Mid-Week Music: ‘Sir Duke’ Will Get Any Kid Shakin’

How did I not play Stevie Wonder for Anjali before?  Is that possible?  I really don’t think I had up until a few days ago.

I thought for sure that she would immediately freak out over Sir Duke.  In fact, she passed.  I went to the next song on my playlist, I Wish.  Yep, that did it.  Whodoesn’t want to move to that song?

After that we listened to As.  But she wanted to go back (she is SUPER-into listening to the same songs over an over again…and I don’t blame her because that’s how you really get inside a song or a book or a film).

I accidentally skipped back to the beginning, Sir Duke, and from there she was hooked on that song.  Dancing.  Singing.  Laughing.  It even worked for me to sing it to her a night or two later when she was having trouble sleeping.

And by the way, she says “Yeah, yeah” in the right place, if you know where I mean.

Check out this stellar live-in-the-studio performance by Stevie:

…And here is a SUPER-COOL rendition by my friend Caleb Hawley, who I played with recently.  He’s a really talented songwriter and guitarist with a fantastic voice…And a really nice guy.